For Those Vatican-Locked-in Cardinals Considering the Next Papal Leader
I just wanted to remind you that if elected, I will serve. Don't let my appearance frighten you (being female, that is). With enough layers of clothing I suppose I can look at least as androgynous as any of you.
If elected, I promise to do the following:
- * sell off Vatican City to EuroDisney and use the funds to help programs for the poor as well as those victims of priest abuse.
* Sell off the PopeMobile to Michael Jackson (he doesn't do well walking; he falls frequently and this leads him to come to court crying and in jammies); funds will go to educate men and women throughout the world on how to use contraceptives and safe sex to limit unplanned pregnancies and stop the spread of sexually transmitted disease.
* Sell off ALL that artwork and return it to the local parishes.
* Fire you guys.
* Allow priests to marry.
* Give priests access to far better education in far more subjects than they now receive.
* Embrace all Catholics, not just the rich, the straight, and the easily led.
* Permit anyone fully qualified to become a priest regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
* Promote an understanding that one can be intelligent and faithful - and stop deciding that the stupid can be easily manipulated - and to let them know that being a Christian doesn't have to be a punitive sentence either for the person or the people around them.
* Once a week, have the priest give a public confession.
* Stop acting like more Catholics is better than healthy, wise Catholics.
* Stop involving the Church in politics ("Mr. Kerry is a bad Catholic so he gets no communion wafer but Rudy Giuliani - and all of his ex-wives he cheated on - is a superb Catholic so he gets TWO!").
* Tell Noni Scalia to worry about his own immortal soul and to allow the courts to act like courts, and the Church to act like a church.
* Send Opus Dei to Reform School.
* Declare "The Pope is human and therefore fallible; even great Popes make great mistakes."
* I'm willing to work Sundays but I don't do Italy. Thus, the new world HQ will be in Boston and there will be no gold, no executive chefs for the Pope, no silly hats, and no graft.
Oh yes, and I know the Pope appointed all but about two of you. But let's try thinking of what is in the best interests of the people and the world, for a change, and not what's most comfortable for you
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