Soooo White And The Seven Dweebs

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little princess named Sooooo White (in an Ann Coulter kinda way) whose beauty was so very grating... er... glued on... uh... ghoulish.... $@*! great that it completely enraged and made homicidal her evil stepmother, Incompy (short for "incompetent") Rice who spent most of her time standing in front of a mirror admiring herself, shopping, or pushing her nose very, very, very deeply into the manly rump of Soooo White's daddy, King George the Lyin'-Hearted. [George, not exactly the brightest lightbulb in the 7 watt pack, just didn't have quite enough wattage to notice his daughter was gone; if he had, he would, of course, have blamed al Qaeda.]

So raging with jealousy was Incompy that she banished Sooooo White to the forest, where she was fortunate enough to have herself rescued by a compassionately conservative bunch of quasi-men with unusually small er... uh... family jewels.

These men (and we use the term "loosely", much like the way they take their true obligations) were known as the Seven Dweebs, and included (along with the "stars" who portray them in the Disney movie adaptation):

  • Sid Vicious (played by "Duck, it's Dick!" Cheney)
  • Sleazy (who else but "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before, even if I have to steal Ann Coulter's strap-on dildo to do so!" Karl Rove?)
  • Dopey (the absolute perfect role for Attorney General Alberto ("No, I didn't lie; I just didn't happen to tell the truth. Ever!") Gonzales
  • Groupie (this role is now played by Iraq commander of operations David Petraeus who uses his extraordinary military brilliance to do whatever it is King George, with NO military or true leadership experience of his own, tells him to do.)
  • Jock (portrayed by no lesser being than the Director of Duct Tape, Michael Chertoff)
  • Bashful (after both George Tenet and Porter Goss left this role, it has been assumed by General "I know the U.S. Constitution better than anybody and there ARE NO provisions or liberties afforded American citizens unless King George SAYS there are." Hayden)
  • Metrosexual Mel (who else but I. Lewis "Scooter the Hooter" Libby?)
  • Wolfie (since the Bush Administration... errr... King George can't count, Paul Wolfowitz plays the eighth seventh dweeb while simultaneously giving his girlfriend a job she is not qualified for at twice the salary of his girlfriend's boss as Wolfie does his utmost to bankrupt third world countries like Ethiopia and the United States; when not busy, Wolfie likes to join his pal, Mr. Morals William "Bill" Bennett at the Dungeon of Whips & Cheesecake operated by the D.C. Madam Dominatrix, Lynne Cheney)

Er.... uh... I'm being told that it is not yet bedtime, so I am not allowed to continue this fairy tale until AFTER all the manure has been cleaned off the stage of the Ronald Reagan Library (heh... imagine either Ronnie Raygun OR King George reading a book!) following tonight's Republican Presidential Debate. [Personally, I can't imagine that cleaning job can be done much before August - or 2057 if King George is in charge.]