NEWSFLASH: Forget World War III and Tsunamis and Stem Cells: Oprah is NOT Gay!

Yes, dear readers, you heard it here last.

While some less evolved people might concern themselves with the hundreds dead in Lebanon and others in Israel, with Iraq blowing itself up under the Bushies, with the president vetoing good science with stem cells to make luddites happy, killer tsunamis, and the most vile corruption that has ever befallen the American people, what is really, truly, exceptionally important for us to know is that Oprah - the great hope to fat, dim white women everywhere - is NOT gay (not that there's anything wrong with that!)!

Gee, I'm SOOOO glad she told us because I was staying up at night, worrying about Oprah's sexual orientation. Weren't you?