10.30.2005

Bush to Outline Anti-Flu Plan

WaPo has it here, but let me give the president's surprise highlights:

  1. We pray we won't get inflected.... er... infacted... er... sick.
  2. We've stockpiled just enough doses of TamiFlu for the wealthiest Americans and all my friends. Anything left over will be sold - at substantial markup because my pal Rummy makes a buck on every dose - to conservative Christians only who can prove they voted for me in 2004.
  3. We'll release a statement saying the flu is the work of Osama, Saddam, and Cindy Sheehan.
  4. We will move high risk people to those lovely, newly vacated homes in East New Orleans. Karl Rove says Louisiana winters are good for flu.
  5. We will attack Iran and Syria because Scooter Libby says they might get avian flu there.
  6. We'll offer Halliburton a no-bid contract to supply a billion boxes of half-ply facial tissues at a discount price of $149.85 a 100-count box.
  7. We'll raise gas prices.
  8. Since I hear virii don't like the cold, I just cut all low income fuel assistance subsidies for this coming winter. Like I keep sayin', I just don't understand poor people.
  9. We will offer flu sufferers a choice: be shot or sign up for Iraq (Rummy says we take dead people).
  10. I'll go on vacation for five weeks.

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