The Bush Economy Weight Loss Diet: A Smashing Success

I noted here that recently, I've gone from my usual grazing to eating almost nothing.

Monday night, I finally stumbled onto a scale and realized why all my clothes seem so damned oversized: I'd lost 23 pounds in less than three weeks. Probably a little extreme. Even with trying to staunch the rapid body dump by forcing myself to eat a tiny meal a day, I've taken off another 2-3 since Monday.

While I could joke and say it's from all the Michael Jackson masturbation tales that air on MSNBC around dinner time, the truth is that my success - far better than you'd get on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or on any diet I've ever pretended to follow - lies in the Bush Economy.

With companies paying notoriously slow, I find I have a spreadsheet rich with how much money I've earned and a bank account that is far more anemic than my physical self since only 1 1/2 companies have bothered to actually cut those checks in the last three months. So I sit and worry and beg creditors for another week while losing anything approaching an appetite. I have a real aversion to owing people anything, let alone being late in paying. Nor do I take any comfort in knowing how many Americans - and others in the world - are now in a similar position because of Bush's ruinous leadership.

No no. Please do not send cans of soup. There is food in the house. In fact, I made home made vanilla ice cream last night (since I don't eat ice cream, I can easily make it for my family and not worry about temptation) and a quiche tonight that I hear was pure delight.

I just have no desire to eat food. Thankfully, I've still got a "cushion" of weight before I start looking like Calista Flockheart. Until my boobs deflate, I'm OK. But I'll definitely be skeletal before Mr. Bush is through the first 200 days of his second Bamboozlepalooza term.

I don't suppose there's any chance that if I dress youthfully, I could chronicle my weight loss with a Web appeal that says, "Save this starving child - impeach Bush"? Nah, didn't think so.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something to hold my skirt up since I've run out of notches on my belt.

However, if you're a publisher who wants a REALLY wickedly FUNNY book on how the president can be used as a bang-up weight loss plan, please contact me e-mediately. You could have the finished text in days. But like, plan to pay me upfront since I'm tiring of being the only being to live up to the contracts I sign. And no, you may NOT pay me in United Pension funds or Social Security IOUs. ::cough::