"It's Vital to God That We Stop This Barbarian Practice Now Before Any More Are Lost"

Legislation will be introduced by Dominionist Christian Congresswomen this week to end a practice that everyone agrees is a crime against God: circumcision.

"Christians have known for a long time that the immoral practice of defiling the male body, often performed when the child is just a few days old, is a sin against God. This collection of cells, while obviously of no concern to those Godless Democrats (some of whom are Jewish and hence, without a real God and forever to be kept from heaven), is living when it is summarily executed by pediatricians and moyls," said Congresswoman Mary Magdalena Piety-Dogma (R-TX).

"Parents clearly are being influenced by unholy powers when they make this choice for their sons and it's vital that Congress intervenes to save the lives of these foreskins. All this talk about circumcision being appropriate for hygiene and social acceptance is simply an invention of the lefty liberal faction, likely driven by rich and powerful Hebrews who have a vested interest in seeing the moral decline of this county."

"Congress, which sits at the right hand of Jesus Christ, the one and only lord and savior, has the moral imperative to bring America closer to God, and we think this legislation helps us accomplish just that."

"Now, some may try to argue that Congress has no right to make a decision that is entirely the purview of the parents and those males who actually make it to adulthood with their glans hood still intact. But we know better. It's quite obvious that these people simply aren't bright enough to understand what they're doing or they simply would not engage in this practice. Or they are being deceived by Democrats (who, as I already indicated, include Jews). As lawmakers and women, we have the moral and mental clarity to act in these men's best interests in helping them come to Jesus with their God-given bodies intact. We trust that soon, we will be thanked rather than ridiculed."

"To deny us the right to put forth this law is a war against people of faith who believe passionately that God would want us to preserve a foreskin."

Sound far-fetched? It shouldn't. Congress has been treating a smaller collection of cells - a first trimester embryo - and the woman's body who carries it as something they have the moral right to control. Just as fat old white men feel it's their right to both remove access to birth control (other than abstinence which these same fat old white men seem to have a great deal of trouble practicing themselves) as well as a woman's right to choose whether a pregnancy, when it occurs, goes to term, why can't the theocrat women (who are too holy to commit an act of fellatio themselves) pull their own?

If God's name can be attached to something as unholy as the Senate and a filibuster, why not to a foreskin?

And heck, I might even join this bandwagon because I feel that something like a circumcision should NOT be performed on a tiny child. If a male child reaches adulthood and actually wants a circumcision, fine, but it's not a decision a parent should make in the first days of that child's life. There is NO real medical reason to perform circumcision (under most circumstances, of course), all those urban myths to the contrary.

Ah, but there's the rub. Congress is never going to make a ruling that affects the white male population like that. They know how they would be treated (stoned, shot, burned at the stake) if they pulled the same crap on a prostate or a penis that they do with a woman's uterus. No amount of God talk would quiet the masses. Hell, the entire state of Texas might descend on Washington and force Congress, at gunpoint, into early retirement.