Going at it in the Faux Holes (Ahem)

Now, when General JC Christian - in his letter of support to Faux chief Roger Ailes over the O'Reilly harassment suit - refers to emptying his magazine, he does mean removing all those annoying blow-in response cards, right?

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I am writing you to express my support for Mr. O'Reilly in his hour of need. I've read the Andrea Mackris lawsuit, and I don't think he did anything wrong. I mean, what red-blooded heterosexual man wouldn't call up a pretty underling and demand to have phone sex with her. That's one of the perks of capitalism my friend.

Sure, some people might make unfortunate jokes about a man who calls up an employee and pleasures himself with a vibrating appliance until his little rifle empties it magazine, but who among us hasn't done the same thing. There's nothing wrong with admitting it. A little prostate stimulation is good for a man. Heck, I bet it's what keeps Dick Cheney alive. It doesn't mean anything, especially if it's a woman you're talking to and you've given the appliance a woman's name like "Jo"--that's what I call mine, "GI Jo."

I've been a fan of yours for years, beginning in the days of your service to Ronald Reagan. I like the cut of your jib. You're a warrior, much like myself, and I'd like to pay you the ultimate tribute one warrior can give to another--I want to wrestle you nude in the manner of the ancient warriors of Sparta.

I'm imagining it now as I write this. You'd come over to the compound. I'd have a banquet of buffalo wings and Coors beer all set out. You'd absolutely get a six pack into you just as quick as I could get it into you...maybe intravenously...get those cans of Coors into you...

I'd want to take a shower with you right away. You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and join you. Your back would be to me and I would take a pumice stone thing and scrape your gloriously naked hairy back...scrape it all over, get you to relax, hot water...and um...you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you, and uh, you'd still be standing there with your back to me. Then, I would kind of move my hand around the front and rub your big hairy manly belly. Then with my other hand, I'd start to massage your man-boobs and get your nipples really hard...cuz, it's something the warrior in me likes and you really have spectacular man-boobs.

Man boobs? Urrr.

You know, I've never actually called an employee and forced him (or her for that matter) into phone sex. Perhaps that's why I'm not as suck...er.. successful a commentator as Bill O'Reilly.

See, I only moderately understand why a heterosexual woman would buy a penis-shaped vibrator. I suppose I could be convinced that a heterosexual man might buy one for his lady friend. But why would he have one for himself?

No, wait. That's OK. I don't want to know actually. Above all, what creeps me out about this the most is the idea of Bill O'Reilly talking dirty. Compared to the vile things he says on his program, it shouldn't seem so obscene.

While the right is busy trying to convince everyone that allowing homosexuals to breathe will destroy heterosexuality and marriage, just thinking about a dirty talking, hump-eager Bill O'Reilly could be powerful enough to send hordes of women - myself included - to lesbianism.