The Truth About Vermonters re:Dean

Y'know... I'm sorry everyone's decided it's fun to jump on the Mad How jokes after Dr. Dean's oft-lamented speech to his supporters last Monday. Even the local paper - in the city where Dean served in the statehouse on State Street - has published a letter from someone who withdrew all his support because he "can't trust Dean as a presidential candidate because of that behavior."

But you have to understand that we in Vermont aren't always good at expressing ourselves. Part of the problem is that it's snow covered and below zero here about three months a year, so our social graces get a tad rusty. It's often so cold that we wouldn't think of removing our clothes to have sex. It's NOT that we don't want sex. It consumes some of our mental energy - and God knows we get time for that considering how often the power is out or at least the TV reception does. But we're practical.

And that lack of TV reception means that we actually read up here. In books, you learn all about these complex emotions. Sure, you folks who watch TV know how to behave when you lose because you're ardent watchers of Survivor and Fear Factor and all that. You know you're supposed to deck the person who disappoints you. But winters up here ARE the real-time Fear Factor, so we don't need that fake reality stuff and we're big on natural hair so watching Donald Trump is out.

Besides that, our plumbing is usually frozen for at least two months each year, so ablutions that require water get a bit tricky. Try scheduling your bowel movements for only the warmest part of a sub-zero degree day and see how you behave at a caucus.

But really, watch Howard once the winter thaw sets in, and like all Vermonters, he becomes far more social and socially acceptable again. We're almost as respectable as those red-suit wearing Republicans in NH.

Oops.. there's one more reason to vote for Howard. It may be Vermont's last chance at having a US president hail from here. We're talking about defecting from the U.S. We'll be that little border country - smaller than Belgium perhaps - between Massachusetts and Canada.

I know, it sounds like a silly idea. But think about the last four of the last five Republicans the US installed in office (note, I didn't say elected, because neither Gerald Ford nor GWB were elected). Only 1 out of the 5 (Ford) turned out to be a decent man, if as clumsy as I am. The other 4: Tricky Dick, Ronnie Ray-gun, and both of Prescott Bush's progeny have all made the country swirl the bowl, so to speak. GWB is distinguished from the others in that he's actually trying to flush the entire world, and not just our pleasant part of it.