Running Out of Disproven Excuses for Invading Iraq

Wonkette offers us this:

Gosh, the Bush team is sort of running out reasons they invaded Iraq, no? First it's they've got WMDs, then it's that they were in the process of manufacturing WMDs, now, if we understand The Amazing Cheney right, Saddam was thinking about manufacturing WMDs. If that gets struck down, we hear the administration is going to go with "he told this guy my cousin knows that he was thinking about manufacturing WMDs." Well, we hate to see a perfectly good invasion get marred by, oh, a complete lack of justification, so we thought we'd suggest some other things about Saddam that the president, at least, might find reason enough to go to war:

Didn't rewind rental tape

Mixed recyclables

Wrote a book

Reads books

Throws like a girl

Is too tall

Fuzzy math

Prevented OBGYNs from practicing their love

Wanted us to pass a global test

Is a BIG GAY

Holding my leader in the very high respect I do (wheeze), I felt obligated to offer some additional excuses me might use during the debate tomorrow night.

Here they are:

10. We had to attack Saddam to defend Lynne Cheney's honor. She tried to give herself to Saddam in 1999 to get more business for Dick (not to be confused with the dick business) and he wouldn't even let Uday go near her. Said she was too kinky and skanky.

9. Saddam's bigger 'n me. I don't like nobody taller than me. It gets in the way 'a me lookin' down my nose at 'em.

8. He tried to kill my daddy. 'Course, if he'd succeeded, I'd have more 'a my share of the Bush dynasty, but Jeb says I already got that. Then he whines about how he was the one who paid attention in school and yet he got stuck with that shithole Florida while I get to rule the world.

7. Condi said so.

6. I got this Edible Complex, see, where I gotta compete with my dad to sleep with my mother. So I had to show Mom I knew my missile from my gun.

5. Cause I'm the numero uno honcho. Nobody asks me why I do things. I'll tell 'em. If I want to.

4. Dick said it would help Halliburton profits and Donny Rumsfeld said it would help Bechtel, and Ariel Sharon said it would help Israel and... sheesh, just shuddup with the questions, ok?

3. What's the problem, eh? It's not like these young kids fighting have jobs they can get back home. I'm givin' 'em jobs just like my daddy gave me. Except mine paid a million or more a year and got me a lot of free blow while soldiers... well, they're not real smart or they wouldn't be in this military.

2. Let's talk about Iran instead.

1. Iraq? I thought we attacked Vermont. Goddamn that intelligence!