You Can Sleep Safe Tonight!

That's because Pakistan has caught the big one in our engineered War on Terror!

Yes, indeed, boys and girls: this is a huge catch. Guaranteed to turn the corner in this fight to the death. Sure to make us all vote for George Bush (just in case Diebold forgets to cheat everywhere).

Drum roll, please! They have, in custody, bin Laden's former personal chef.

OK, why does all this seem like a bad joke? The man hasn't even worked for bin Laden since around the time of 9-11.

What's next? His former governess? A wet nurse from infancy? Third grade math teacher? First woman with whom he reached premature ejaculation?

Hell, maybe we'll find out that Osama is the ONE person who can testify for certain that Mr. Bush served out his time in the National Guard. God only knows that Gary Trudeau's $10,000 reward didn't net anyone who could attest to it.