A Note from One Texan to Another

President George W. Bush may have some sage wisdom to share with Lance Armstrong who's out of the lead in the (de)Tour de France:

Hey Bikey (like my nickname for you?),

I hear you're havin' a tough time with that bike race (no offense, but just how gay does that sound consider' we're both good Texas boys?), so I wanted to offer ya some assistance in turning the Tour de Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys into the Tour de Don't Mess with Texas Force!

If things start lookin' bleak, I'll call up Billy Boy Rehnquist and Noni Scalia and they'll decide the race for ya. If all else fails, we got some MOABs left over from bombin' Saddam that we can send down over France. Don't worry. If any of them little cry babies start in, we'll tell 'em we had good intelligence that Osama's hidin' in Cannes or somethin'.

But hey, when you come by the imperial palace.. er.. White House for the ceremony, you gotta promise you won't wear those little bike shorts. They look kinda gay, like I said, and they'll get Rick Santorum all worked up about man-and-dog sex again. Can't have that!

Oh yeah, and about that "steroid" charge they keep talking about with you? Here's the deal. You just tell 'em your drug reports are on microfiche and they accidentally got destroyed. Works like a charm.

Yours in Texaco