The President's NEXT Fake Speech and Press Conference

Good evenin'
Now, I won't say ladies and gentlemen because Karl tells me lots of you folks ain't neither. We expected a bit more respect out 'a the lotta you considerin' how careful we honed you since before I was selected president.

But, with ev'rybody belly-achin' about how ooohhh Iraq is so bad and look, there the prezdent goes on vacation again, I figured I better paint you suckers a pitcher...er... pitcher.

OK, here's the way it's goin' down. It occurred to all good Christians - and by that, I mean o' course me an' Karl - and Karl's a great Christian even if he says the word fuck a lot - and the rest o' the Carlisle Group that what we got in Iraq is maybe a war with all o' Islam. Now, we've said it isn't but for some Goddamned reason, the Islamisists think it is. It also occurred to us that maybe gettin' more than a billion of these smelly, smarmy people mad at just a little group of fat, white, Christian-talking oil billionaires prob'ly ain't too good. Y'know, they might retaliate and then it could affect US, the important people, and not just poor, lazy regular Americans.

So, on June 30th, I've decided to turn the whole damned thinking mess over to Jerry Falwell, to bring Christianity to the middle east, with Ariel Sharon as his closest advisor. See, puttin' Sharon in is smart 'cos he'll give me the Jew vote in Florida and those Islamasisticsists who don't wanna get dunked in the great hot tub of Christianity can become Jews. And it's good for Sharon, too, cause he's got a place he can send all those ungrateful Palestinians.

Trust me, it's a win-win situation.

Before y'all start to whine again, yeah, I'm takin' the summer off again even though you think the war is going badly and that we're under significant threat. But a man's gotta rest sometime, and spending more than 40% of my time sitting on my ass eatin' pretzels at one o' my retreats is mah due. Anybody who don't agree with that is, o' course, a terrorist or somebody who loves a terrorist or at least is willin' to have unChristian-like sex with 'em.

And no, Helen, I'm not takin' your question. I decided I don't take questions from mean little old ladies. 'Sides, Condi waitin' up to read me Chapter 4 from, "The Power of Positive Thinking."

Now get outta my White House 'fore I call a military tribunal on your ass.