To bin Ladens it May Concern:

Dear Osama,

I know we have a sort of love-hate relationship, you and the United States. Sure, we blame you for everything but you also have to admit that through the Carlisle Group, we help make you and your family as rich as the Bushes, the Cheneys, and the Lays.

Isn't it all quite amazing that we can successfully make the American public believe you're the root of all evil and that's why we need to spend an outrageous amount of the budget on defense. But the result is that our mutual friends in the energies industry, the defense industry, the homeland security biz, and the funders of contract armies are getting very rich, and cutting us both in on the action. So our current relationship cuts well both ways for our mutual benefit.

However, much as I enjoy working with you, my first allegiance always has to be (wiping tear from my eye) My President. I love him and I cannot let him down.

Thus, it would be enormously helpful if, next time you plan to attack us, you could provide the following information well in advance of the attack (and please don't plan it for one of My President's vacations - these become hard to schedule, of course, because there are so many of them. And, as you know, I spend my time away from Washington with him.

So please let us know at least 6 months in advance:

The time of the attack

The place of the attack

The method of the attack (please be as specific as possible)

How we should respond

Thank you for your cooperation is this highly important matter. Now I must go - it's time for me to read My President a bedtime story.
Yours in infamy
Condi