Your Insecurity Watchlist for August 21st

[ed. note: as a service to you - all three and a half members of our devoted public (and the half person knows who he is) - we will reprint these warnings whenever they are issued... and they will be issued every day Bush is running neck and neck with Kerry]

The Department of Bushland Insecurity, ever concerned with how you vote your safety, advises you to beware of the following as you go about your normal, everyday, boring, poor, non-Bushian lives today:

* Terrorists named Senator Ted Kennedy
* People who yell at Michelle Malkin when she lies speaks truth
* People who are not devoted to Rush Limbaugh
* People with the letter "e" in their name
* People who won't go to church tomorrow (no, synagogues, mosques, Buddhist temples, and Applebee restaurants do NOT COUNT)
* Drugs to "cure" erectile dysfunction
* Colors other than righteous red, Jerry Falwell white, and Bush blood blue
* Bath tubs
* Garlic
* Any journalists who aren't paid by the Rev. Moon
* Toyotas

If you encounter any of the above, please contact our department ASAP and we promise to investigate them immediately if they are silly, and in 10 years if they are serious.